A Day at the Beach

Lucky: "Dog Paddle BABYYY!!!"

Imagine it’s summer time, and you and your family take a little one week vacation to the beach for a little R’ n R. (Rest and Relaxation Babyyy!!!) The expected forecast for the week shows it’s going to be 82 degrees with a slight wind chill outside. (Nice.) So you and your family pack accordingly to get ready, but what would you wear to swim? (Me: two-piece with the hat to match, YAYY!!!) Most people would go to the store and look at the selection, but I would hope the selection wouldn’t be this GETUP!!!

Question:  Did we forget to pack, or is paying 15 dollars for swimming trunks just TOO much? (He forgot.) Paying for swimming trunks would have been a small price to pay than to take a dive in what he’s wearing. His outfit looks like it’s worth at least 65 dollars. (Check Please!) Assuming the bare minimum, he has $10 sunglasses, a $15 shirt, a $10 belt, $20 jeans, and we’ll throw in an extra $10 for sandals. (Umm, who said he had footwear???) Next Question: Does this man have $65 to blow, or did he get in F in Fashion Sense 101. (Answer: He didn’t even pass Common Sense 090, the Prerequisite Course.)

Wearing street clothes to swim PROBABLY wasn’t a good idea, but this man who I’ve named Sanchez must have missed the memo. (Uhh, you think???) With his summer shades on and his smile from ear to ear, Sanchez was lifting up his shorts for a nice 20 minute swim. Side Note: Why anyone would have to pull their pants up if there are wearing a belt in the first place??? (Attention: This is Idiot Swim. ALL KIDS, out of the pool!!!) Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, this is such a sad case. But even if you weren’t swimming, would you wear that in the water? (BETTER YET, would you even wear JEANS to the beach? NO!) Proper beach wear for men would be a tank top and some swimming trunks. (SOOO that’s what they’re call!!!) Hey Sanchez, in America we don’t wear Blue Jean shorts with a belt in summer shades to the beach to swim; we wear swimming trunks. 

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Why are you wearing that in Public?

Snip Snap loves "Sasha Fierce"

I’m a Diva! (NOT!!!) What woman would where this in public? (Or for that matter AT ALL!!!) This woman looks like a wannabe from Beyonce’s 2008 album, “Sasha Fierce” (So Guess what her name is for today???) Now Sasha be honest, you jumped in the laundry basket then jumped out to get dressed to day didn’t you? You’re wearing a yellow dress “thingy” that has spaghetti string sides, with “Big Bird” angle wraps and a bag that doesn’t even match on a HOT summer day. (Alternative Theories???) Did you steal your boyfriend’s shirt and turned it into an outfit for the summer, or did some store actually have the “gall” to sell that? (Enough Questions.) I just noticed that the stocks on her arms match her bra and panties. (YAYY, you’re matching somewhere.)

I can tell what she’s thinking by her pose, “I’m Ballin”!!! (Uhh, Stop!) Where’s the fashion police when you need them? (Better yet the Fashion SWAT!) I know it’s hot outside, but put some REAL clothes on. Sasha you have a great figure, so why show it off like that? That is really too much to be showing in public. (Plus it’s NOT CUTE!!!) If it was that hot outside and you wanted some attention, “booty shorts” would have been better than this “outfit”. (Oh, I meant to say “Boy Shorts”.)  Go ahead; tell us how my man wanted a piece of “Sasha” today. (Are you sure?) The guy in the back put the coat over his face to shield the embarrassment; he’s probably laughing so hard he can handle it.

If I walked outside looking like this, somebody slap me. That’s a BIG “IF” because I’d be nothing BUT crazy “IF” I did. So forget slapping me, just get the straight jacket ready. Don’t worry, I’ll be thanking you because dressing like this is like putting a HUGE billboard on your head saying, “Hey Weirdo, come talk to me”. No Offense to any of my “Closet Creatures” out there, but this is GHETTO FABULOUS at its best and is a BIG NO!!!

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Old Geezer in Speedos

Lucky Feels "Cheeky"

So you’re on a vacation with your friends at the beach and you decide to get some sun for a little R’ n R’. (Rest and Relaxation BABY!!!)  You see women sunbathing, children playing in the sand, and men swimming in the water. You start to think, “Wow, what a perfect day to be at the Beach.” As you head down to find a spot in the sand, you turn around and see a man wearing “THESE”??!! (YIKES to the 10^th Degree!!!)

We have an older gentlemen in his 50s or 60s that decides to wear a baseball cap and “THESE” to the beach. (Can somebody please tell me what “THESE” are???) ATTENTION: “For all my Male readers who ready to retire and head to the beach, please don’t wear Speedos. That will be all.” (Ohhh that’s what they are, silly me!) The thing that kills me the most is that he’s wearing a baseball cap. (What’s the point in the cap???) That’s like if I were to wear shorts and a shirt with a skull cap on in the middle of January. Why protect my head from the cold when the rest of my body isn’t protected? (This is a no BIG TIME!!!)

The woman in this picture, who I’ll call Megan, is just hysterical about the whole thing. Megan was probably on vacation with her friends and was headed to the bar when she ran into this man on the beach; I’ll bet she couldn’t believe her eyes. (Because I still can’t!) After seeing that, Megan probably forgot what she was doing in the first place. She went back to the Hotel dying of laughter while telling all of her friends. I know if I saw a FULL MOON on a SUNNY DAY I would question my eye sight. (Am I Crazy???) Men of ALL ages should think twice before wearing “THESE”. Very few men can pull off something like this and he wasn’t one of them.

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"Beer Gut Showing" Cutaway Overalls

Dust Mite's Latest Design: "Cutaways"

A handsome older man, who I’ll call Greg, in his mid 40’s, with a nice silver chain decides to wear blue jean overalls with the center cut out in public. (Yes you heard that right.) BLUE JEAN OVERALLS with the center CUT OUT in PUBLIC!!! Oh yea , I almost forgot the Nice Silver Chain. (Umm did I miss something here???) Somebody please tell me, is this a new Fad? I thought most people tried to (, for lack of better terms,) “Mask” the extra pounds with their outfits, yet this man is just letting it all hang out. (LITERALLY!!!)

Greg, was this the ONLY THING you could’ve found to wear that night? I mean C’mon; I know you could’ve done better than that. (MUCH BETTER!) You and I both know that you outgrew those overalls 10 (LONG) years ago and was too cheap to buy a new pair. “Well, I’m starting not fit these and I need more room; I think I have an idea…” That Mike’s Lemonade you were drinking t the club must have really hit you “HARD” when you came up with this “Innovative” Idea.  Or at least I hope that “Drunk” was the reason why you wore this because “Sober” COULDN’T have been the reason. (No Way, No How!)

Question: How much did you “Tip” (Wink >< Wink, Nudge<> Nudge) the owner to let you in looking like that? (Answer: No less than a Benjamin) I also wonder why nobody appears to question you as if attire is socially acceptable. You know what, I think I just figured it all out; this was a BIG Costume party which would explain why you got in the club without anybody questioning you right? (And Pigs fly and I have a Unicorn that talks.)  Let’s be real, even if this was a Costume Party, overalls are NEVER a norm in club (Ha, go back home where the Buffalo Rome.) Kudos to the person who took the photo, I know the person had to have been thinking, “This is priceless, let me show everybody what NOT to wear.” As they say: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”, so I hope (AND PRAY) that Greg at least had shoes.

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Too Much Cleveage at the Alter

Mr. Snuggles Has "Two Pillows"

It’s every woman’s dream to find "Mr. Right." So after all that “Soul Searching”, you find the man of your dreams. He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY, he’s buys you gifts for every holiday, calls you every day, asks about your day after work, and EVEN knows how to cook. So it makes perfect sense that after four years of “Royal Treatment” when he pops the question, your answer is yes without a second thought. When the big day comes, is this what you decide to wear??? Next Question: Did you pick out this dress or did your husband? Answer: You picked out this Dress an attempt to please your husband BUT it backfired, BIG TIME!!!

“Oh I have a Good Idea, Let’s pick a dress he’ll never forget… Yay!” Yeah a Dress he and EVERYBODY ELSE WILL NEVER FORGET!!! Now Your Fiancé is PISSED, and you are too because he cussed you out ALL THE WAY to the altar. I mean look at the expression on his face, does that look like the face of a man who is happy to spend the rest of his life with the person he loves? OR does that look like the face of a man who’s heard one too many jokes???

Who Designed this? No, Seriously, WHO DESIGNED THIS??? Whoever did had to be a guy, a guy who had to be thinking, “Man I wish my wife wore this when we got married, I’m going make another guy’s dream come true.” Okay... that’s nice but you forgot one small, little detail: THIS A BIG WEDDING! That means people are going to attend which also means people are going to be WATCHING.  With a Bride wearing this dress, the best man isn’t going to be able to look straight without offending the groom. EVEN WORSE, the groom gets the first dance, but I wonder what his buddies are going to do when it comes to their turn to dance with her (and will the husband mind)???

All in all, this WAY to revealing (and that right there was an understatement)!!! Let us hope during this wedding we have no “Janet Jackson Super Bowl” Mishaps at the altar, (Knock on wood,) because one slip or yank could have this wedding ending disastrously.

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